Few long-running reality shows adhere to their rhythms and rituals more tightly than ABC’s Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Every few months, like clockwork, a crop of 20-30 20-30-somethings—all with very shiny teeth, and job titles like “Executive Executive” or “Professional Thinker”—are paraded in front of the people of America for cursory perusal, before being shipped off to one of the show’s various compounds so that we can all wait for them to do something romantic or, possibly, racist. All are, ostensibly, in the market for love, and have thus decided to pursue that romantic aspiration via a high-intensity reality show that has produced exactly 6 ongoing romantic relationships in its 20-plus years of operation. (That’s not us being cynical; they’re the stats.)
For the heartless and unloved like us, trapped on the outside of this glorious amorous treadmill, the arrival of a new batch of Bachelor contestants can mean only one thing: Poring over the show-provided biographies of each of these 30 new contestants to find the weakest thing in each of them. (There’s always something; the writers who condense contestant interviews into these little tidbits have a weird knack for including some space alien element in almost all of them.) We also, typically, place that kind of scrutiny on The Bachelor himself, although in this case, we don’t have to: We already know that new bachelor (and former Bachelorette contestant) is Zach Shallcross the nephew of actor Patrick Warburtonwhich means that marrying him means you might have Thanksgiving one year with Puddy/Kronk, and nothing could possibly be weirder than that.
So, here you have it: The 30 women who will be fighting it out for Shallcross’ heart, as identified by their ages, their hometowns, and, most importantly, the weirdest thing we could find about them. Which, we hasten to add, we did not make up. We know it sounds like we made some of these up! If you want to confirm—and see what these women actually look like, and read about how they really are there for the right reasons—you can click over to Variety‘s rundown.
Anyway, here goes:
- Aly, 26, Atlanta: “Aly is a proud collector of porcelain dolls.”
- Anastasia, 30, San Diego: “Has always felt a strong connection to Cleopatra.”
- Ariel, 28, New York: Seems fairly normal, although we don’t know why she had to specify that she “doesn’t do tarantulas under any circumstance.”
- Bailey, 27, Nashville: Fairly normal bio, but thinks The Bachelor is “the perfect place” to find “the one,” which is just deeply depressing.
- Becca, 25, Burbank: Becca’s bio begins with “Becca is incredible,” which is a real Bachelor bio power move.
- Brianna, 24, Jersey City: “Brianna created her own language as a child.”
- Brooklyn, 25, Stillwater: All of the sentences in Brooklyn’s bio are about how she wants to be a professional rodeo racer, except this one: “But now, Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice where she custom designs teeth for life-changing dental procedures.”
- Cara, 27, Pittsburgh: “Cara is not a good cook, but she is great at ‘assembling meals.'” We are excited to find out what this sentence means, and hope Zach brings it up early and often.
- Cat, 26, New York: “Cat LOVES hot dogs,” emphasis The Bachelor‘s.
- Charity, 26, Columbus: “Charity wants to move to Disneyworld one day,” which, combined with the next factoid—”Charity throws a mean ax”—has already written half of our next screenplay for us.
- Christina, 26, Nashville: “Considers herself a grandmother to her daughter’s pet turtle.”
- Davia, 25, Charleston: Sometimes the placement of these blurbs are like little short stories. For instance: “Davia could live on oysters,” followed immediately by “Davia says she can out-burp anyone.”
- Gabi, 25, Pittsford: Gabby “hopes to own her own Pilates studio one day” despite already being an “Account Executive,” a very impressive Bachelor-sounding job.
- Genevie, 26, Baltimore: Genevie “fears animals that are larger than her.”
- Greer, 24, Houston: Greer is “a sucker for forehead kisses,” which is technically sweet, we guess.
- Holland, 24, Boca Raton: “Holland’s favorite TV show is The Bachelor,” which we feel should be grounds for immediate disqualification from this show.
- Jessica, 23, Winter Springs: Were we one of the youngest contestants on a dating reality show with a historical issue with age gaps, we might not open with “could play Bananagrams all day and never get bored” as an introductory fact.
- Kaity, 27, Austin: “Kaity enjoys swimming but hates that sharks may be swimming underneath her.”
- Katherine, 26, Tampa: “People tell Katherine that she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.” All the time. It’s annoying, really! Gosh, she wishes they’d stop.
- Kimberly, 30, Los Angeles: Seems so normal it’s almost suspicious. “Loves old-school hip-hop.” What is she hiding?
- Kylee, 25, Charlotte: Her celebrity crush is “Jimmy Garroppolo,” which is apparently a real person, and not just what you’d get if you woke a drunk person out of a solid sleep and asked them to name an alt-comedy it girl from the early 1990s.
- Lekha, 29, Miami: Lekha’s bio mentions her parents had an arranged marriage, but doesn’t clarify how they feel about giving up the all-important matchmaking duties to the Disney Corporation.
- Madison, 26, Fargo: “Madison dislikes ALL sauces,” emphasis The Bachelor‘s.
- Mercedes, 24, Bloomfield: “Mercedes’ hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair” and she “loves to drive around with the windows down, blasting country music.” Mercedes sounds like a hoot, honestly.
- Olivia L., 24, Rochester: “Watching Grey’s Anatomy inspired Olivia’s desire to work in the medical field.”
- Olivia M., 25, Cincinnati: “Olivia’s special talent is sounding like a dolphin.”
- Sonia, 29, Long Island: We could focus on Sonia being “obsessed with Elvis,” but we’re too distracted by her desire to raise “three golden retrievers” at the same time. Jesus Christ, that sounds exhausting.
- Vanessa, 23, Baton Rouge: “Growing up, Vanessa played a lot of freeze tag.”
- Victoria J., 30, Fort Worth: Victoria “doesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson,” which is the meanest burn on The King Of Staten Island we’re likely to find in these bios.
- Viktoria E., 29, Vienna: “Viktoria doesn’t eat blue tortilla chips.” Every woman’s gotta have a code.
The Bachelor returns for its 27th season on January 23.